A grounded guide for coaches

Every coach, at some point, encounters someone who leaves the session feeling heavier than it began.

The conversation feels circular.

Emotions escalate quickly.

Resistance shows up as silence, defensiveness, or intellectual debate.

Boundaries are tested.

Progress feels slow — or invisible.

It’s common to label these situations internally as working with a “challenging client.” But the moment we do that, we risk missing what’s actually happening.

At Coach on Tap, we believe that challenge in coaching is rarely about the person being “difficult.” More often, it’s about what the system — coach, coachee, context — is surfacing together.

This article explores how to work skillfully, ethically, and sustainably when coaching feels challenging — without blaming, rescuing, or burning out.

First, a Reframe: Challenge Is Part of the Work

If coaching were only about insight and ease, anyone could do it.

Challenge appears when:

• someone is facing discomfort they’ve long avoided

• identity or self-image is being questioned

• stakes feel high (career, leadership, reputation)

• emotions surface faster than language

• progress threatens existing coping strategies

In other words, challenge often signals meaningful work, not failure.

The question is not how to eliminate challenge, but how to meet it without losing presence, boundaries, or effectiveness.

Common Patterns Coaches Experience as “Challenging”

Before responding, it helps to recognize patterns without judgment.

Some common experiences include:

Someone who:

• resists questions or dismisses reflection

• intellectualizes instead of feeling

• repeatedly avoids agreed actions

• externalizes responsibility (“they,” “the system,” “circumstances”)

• becomes emotionally reactive or shuts down

• expects advice, reassurance, or rescue

These behaviors are not random. They are protective strategies — often developed long before coaching began.

Seeing them as such changes how we respond.

Step 1: Work With Your Own Reaction First

The most important work often happens inside the coach.

Challenging dynamics trigger coaches too:

• frustration

• self-doubt

• impatience

• the urge to fix

• the urge to withdraw

• the fear of “not being effective”

Before intervening, pause and ask:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What story am I telling about this person?

• What does this reaction say about me?

Your internal state shapes the session more than any technique.

If you feel contracted, the space contracts.

If you stay grounded, the space stabilizes.

Step 2: Separate the Person From the Pattern

It’s easy to unconsciously personalize resistance.

Instead of:

“They’re uncoachable.”

Try:

“This pattern is protecting something important.”

When you see behavior as information rather than obstruction, curiosity replaces judgment.

For example:

• Resistance may protect autonomy

• Silence may protect vulnerability

• Intellectualization may protect emotional safety

• Control may protect identity

Your role is not to dismantle defenses forcefully — but to make them visible and workable.

Step 3: Name What’s Happening — Gently and Cleanly

One of the most powerful interventions is process reflection.

This means naming what you observe in the moment, without interpretation or blame.

Examples:

• “I notice we’re circling the same point — what feels hard to move into here?”

• “I see a lot of thinking happening right now — what’s happening emotionally as we talk?”

• “I notice some hesitation — what might you be protecting?”

This brings the dynamic into shared awareness, where it can be explored safely.

Avoid:

• diagnosing

• labeling

• assuming intent

Clarity without judgment builds trust.

Step 4: Revisit Contracting and Responsibility

Challenging moments often signal a gap in expectations.

It can be helpful to gently revisit:

• the purpose of coaching

• roles and responsibilities

• what coaching is — and is not

Questions that help:

• “What are you hoping coaching will do for you?”

• “What feels within your control here?”

• “What responsibility are you willing to take?”

This is not about pressure.

It’s about restoring agency.

Coaching cannot work if responsibility is outsourced entirely to the coach.

Step 5: Know When to Slow Down — and When to Hold the Line

Not every situation requires pushing forward.

Sometimes, slowing down is the intervention:

• staying with emotion

• allowing silence

• focusing on awareness rather than action

Other times, ethical coaching requires clear boundaries:

• refusing to give advice

• naming repeated avoidance

• addressing lack of engagement

• acknowledging misalignment

Both compassion and firmness are acts of respect.

Step 6: Discern Fit — Without Ego

Not every coaching relationship is meant to continue.

This is not failure. It’s professionalism.

Consider pausing or ending coaching when:

• there is persistent misalignment of expectations

• psychological safety cannot be established

• the person consistently rejects the coaching role

• another modality (therapy, consulting) is more appropriate

Ending well — with clarity and care — protects both parties.

A Final Reflection for Coaches

“Challenging people” are often mirrors.

They reflect:

• our edges

• our assumptions

• our unmet needs as coaches

• our relationship with uncertainty and control

The work is not to make coaching easy —

but to make it honest, ethical, and human.

When you meet challenge with presence rather than force, you model the very capacity coaching seeks to build.

And sometimes, that is the most powerful intervention of all.